The Do-It-Yourself Are You Ready to Be a Parent Quiz

SECTION A: Circle all that apply:

1. My belongings include:

            a. glass fronts or tops on furniture   

        

            b. gleaming wooden items with finely buffed finishes   

   

            c. family heirlooms 

             

            d. furniture I can't crawl under if necessary

2. It is important to me: 

            a. to keep windows and glass doors absolutely clean at all times    

    

            b. to keep a neat, tidy home  

    

            c. to have privacy in the bathroom

            d. not to smell of spit-up milk

3. The following is true of me:

            a. I love to cook when people appreciate the time, effort and thought I put into it.

            b. I wouldn't let my children eat junk food!

            c. Keeping to a regular schedule is important to me.

            d. Some of my favorite outfits have tags that say dry clean only.

            e. I have a hobby (of any sort) and need to keep some time free for its pursuit.

            f. It would irritate me no end to be asked a question 30 times in a row.

            g. It would irritate me no end to have to ask a question 30 times in a row.

SECTION B: Please rate your embarrassment level for the following situations on a scale from 0 to 5, with 0 representing no embarrassment whatsoever, and 5 representing extreme embarrassment.

4. You’re dying to read a hot new book a friend told you about, so you dare a trip to the library with your 6-month-old, who has just learned to blow raspberries. She displays her new talent from the moment you enter until the moment you leave. The other patrons make angry faces and glare at you.

0          1          2          3          4          5

5. You and your family are out for a walk. As you pass the house of some (let's be kind) eccentric neighbors who are out gardening, they see you, get up and come over to chat. Your child points at their home and shouts, "Isn't that the nut house?"

0          1          2          3          4          5

6. Your child asks a man in line behind you at the supermarket if he has a baby in his tummy or if he’s just fat.

0          1          2          3          4          5

7. You are in a back corner of a restaurant with your two-year-old and your infant, hoping to nurse the baby discretely as women in your nursing guides do. Your two-year-old shouts, "Isn't he drinking from your breast? I want to see your breast too!" The other patrons turn and stare.

0          1          2          3          4          5

8. You and your family are dinner guests of a friend who has prepared a meal with your child's preferences in mind, after you assure her that your little darling loves spaghetti and meatballs. Despite your best polite redirections, threatening instructions and furious glares, your child won’t eat, and instead chants through the entire meal, "I don't like this spaghetti!  I’m not gonna eat this spaghetti! Baby won’t eat this spaghetti! No, not this spaghetti!"

0          1          2          3          4          5

7. In a doctor's crowded  waiting room, your two-year old child begins to take a poll on how many people there have a a vulva and how many have a penis.

0          1          2          3          4          5

SECTION C: Multiple choice

9. You are about to enjoy a cup of freshly brewed coffee and a small dish of your favorite ice  cream after dinner one night, when your toddler, who has climbed into her toy box with her Big Bad Wolf doll, gets stuck standing on her head and bumps her cheek on a pop-up toy as she struggles to free herself. As she wails, you rush to pull her out. Then you comfort her and Wolfie, give the right number of kisses to each injured area on both the child and Wolfie, and talk about the hazards of headstands in toy boxes. By the time you return to your coffee and ice cream, they have reached the same temperature and consistency. You:

            a. throw them out and get fresh servings.

            b. throw them out and start the dishes.

            c. consume them anyway, because who knows what will happen next, and you may need fortification.                  

10. Your husband offers to watch the kids so you can have a cup of coffee and read the Sunday paper undisturbed. As you settle in with the book review section, Daddy is playing with the kids. Suddenly, your husband asks you in an urgent tone, "Is cabbage all right?" You:

            a. put down the paper and ask what he means.

            b. put down the paper, grab the baby, and search his mouth for cabbage.

            c. say, "Yes, cabbage is fine," and continue reading, because you no longer have to understand a conversation in order to have it.

11. You decide to create a Do It Yourself Are You Ready to Be a Parent Quiz. You toil persistently at the kitchen table, but six days pass between creation of each new item you write (when you are lucky). Numerous sippy cups of milk are dribbled all over your working copy. Your child says, "These things happen." You:

            a. give it up altogether.

            b. give it up for now, figuring you’ll try again when the kids are in their twenties.

            c. blot the milk off the paper (it was white anyway) and keep writing.

SCORING KEY:

Really?

You think there is a way to ace this test?

And you think that I figured out the right answers?

Really?

Good luck! (You’ll need it.)

         ~ Kate Lydon Varley